FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one
wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it
appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding
Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll
say: "We're in love"; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when
they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though
this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a
good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will
come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love
alone"; You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about
finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20
or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do
with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to
share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2)you
can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a
marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!

Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this
person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling
safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having
good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished"; or
hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine
defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure
you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test?
Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular
basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine
defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do
the right ";. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with
their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is
not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are
dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking
comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal
comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking
down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability
to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom
they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers,
etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude
and appreciation?

If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything;
can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats
others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after
we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of
trying to "improve"; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts
it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse"
If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are
not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key
is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It
pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask
questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a
great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't
want to find yourself trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective...

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance..
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize
your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere
relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention...
Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate
you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth
around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in
the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and
after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a
commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance,
pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs.
Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or
that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare
and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You
can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love
you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you won't
find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or
responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong
reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment
withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

When family favours competition

There are only a few times when you blog becomes a platform for frustration excretion. The time is very auspicious and the moment is very special. In fact, its the most special event in my life yet. Its my brother's engagement. The moment is very emotional and very close to our hearts of course. So yes, its all good. May be not yet. Whenever there is such an occasion in your home, people who repel you would surround you somehow. And no matter how much you want to avoid them, there is just no way out.

I don't know how true it is, but there are people who give a negative vibe. There is something about them that makes you uncomfortable. A similar problem is why this new post exists. Let me start from the beginning. My mother is a very sweet and innocent lady. She tries to keep everyone happy and is pretty social as well. So here comes a turn, I may be a little stupid and idiotic, a little sweet too sometimes, but there are times when me and mom stand apart. Lets just say her innocence is responsible to make her a little gullible. She gets convinced kinda easily. So the story is that she has a friend whose daughter is into gift wrapping business, and from what I have heard, she is damn expensive (read it as not worth it). So anyways, since I am not bad in fancy gift wrapping I hardly care how good she is. Also worth a mention here is the fact that I get a negative vibe from her. She is just not as clear hearted. So today, while I sit here in the office figuring out how I can squeeze time off work, mom tells me that she is willing to offer the mean girl some business from our end. BAM! goes my brain. I get furious and totally loose it.
What the heck? I am good enough, why of all people do you have to go to her mom? I wanted to wrap everything myself, I have love inside me and everything I do for this occasion will be full of love. Problem: I am convinced that I am good enough but mom being convinced to go to her means that she isn't confident of my work.

Does anyone have a solution?

Scents of life [A page from my daily diary]

To note: The description below is a true-life experience, only it happened a year ago.

This would be understood well by people who have worked or even visited government offices in India. Although, I do not work in a government office, my company works on the exact same pattern. Men must know the difference between a woman wearing lipstick and a man wearing it. Red coloured lips with even bloodier teeth and the indescribable scent that they give every time they open their mouth is too much for ‘clean’ people like me to handle.

I sometimes feel offended even if they utter one word from their bloody mouth. But mostly, I thank God I am not a part of them. Their responsibility factor is too high and they ensure to reach office never before 9:40 only to leave as soon as it is 5:30. ‘What a life they have’, I say when I see them coming after me in the morning and leaving before I do.

The day passes by with the best of these scents and then comes a part when you need to put your stomachs to rest. Their female counterparts seem to be forgetful to flush; and I don’t understand why is it me who is left to dust.... It is now seven days, since I have been to my office rest room as I am afraid I might encounter the dirty filthy ghost.

I know I am good at my job but I can't help but wonder, is it me who is delicate or them just plain careless? I just hope some day I too can put my stomach to rest.

The office furniture has also earned a mention and I must tell you that in the last four months of my working here, I have changed 6 chairs and 3 computer tables. For those of you who think I may be too heavy or too muscular to handle furniture right, people be aware, I am just 105 pounds.

Scents of my work life don’t evaporate here; there is more to groan about. My boss is a young man who has studied abroad and dresses up fine. He talks really sweetly but is mean to personalities like mine. Work and making best of opportunities is something he is allergic to, instead what he prefers are meaningless strategies and meetings there is no end to. Analysing a writer’s capacity is too heavy for him, but still what can I do, as he is the only son of the Chairman.

As I get ready to smell the discomfort in work and the actual office stench, I am so happy in this night as there are a few hours for me to breathe and to stretch.

F A M I L Y

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
'Oh excuse me please' was my reply.

He said, 'Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you.'

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
'Move out of the way,' I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,

'While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.'

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
'Wake up, little one, wake up,' I said.

'Are these the flowers you picked for me?'
He smiled, 'I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue.'

I said, 'Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way.'
He said, 'Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway.'

I said, 'Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue.'

FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family,
an unwise investment indeed, don't you think?
So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Whats in a KISS

One of my very dear friends had a break up recently. After the so intimate three year long relationship, she decided to not let things bother her and move on. Trying to achieve her aims in the same respect, today she introduced me to her new boyfriend. A nice, warm, handsome and smiling guy stood there waiting for us. As we approached near, he bent forward and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Normally she would have kissed him back. But she stood there smiling, and then introduced me to him saying "rads this is Gaurav....Gaurav this is rads"...Confused by the still not-so-rude act she had committed, all I could do was smile. I couldn't help but wonder why she wanted to introduce him to me when she isn't feeling that close to him. But being happy for my friend, I walked along with them to a small but good eating joint. We placed orders for our drinks and he set his eyes back on her, as he was doing for the last 20 mins we had met. I could see how much attracted he was to her. Then while talking about his work interests and all, (also mentioning how she was keeping his mind off work), he leaned closer to her and kissed her lips. Oh man. He remained there for like 2 mins and she sat still. I noticed closely if there was any movement on her lips. But no. There was none. This time he moved away with a disgusted look. Thankfully the drinks arrived and I was allowed to drift my attention. Although he seemed nice and good on paper, there was no spark from her. His interest was over-flowing from everywhere and she sat there like there was no other choice.

It was then I realised how stuck she felt. She likes this guy really a lot but what is even more important than liking is the “love factor”. How could have I been so blind not to see that what was missing there was love. Kissing is a genuine expression of attraction. But also thinking about Gaurav, how humiliated he must have felt by not getting kissed back. After we were thru with the “formal” introduction of her boyfriend and me, I suggested I’ll push off while they could enjoy amongst themselves. But things had changed after the “one person kissing scene”. He came up with an excuse to just do way with us, at least at that time. So after all this drama, I also realised one BIG BIG fact that we usually overlook. By calling ourselves good kissers, we feel proud, at least it’s a positive thing if you are a guy. But what is even more important, is the recognition of that kiss. I mean imagine the atrocity of kissing your lover and being unwelcomed by even an more unwelcoming mouth. Moral of the story, if you don’t like the guy anyways and he kisses you, at least open up and kiss him back once. No need to make him feel like shit right?

Jobless Man

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft.

The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor
as a test.

"You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."

I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he
can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.(spencer's)

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously,
"You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire.
Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story:

M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.

M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a
millionaire.

M3 - If you are reading this story on internet, you are closer to
being an office boy,

than a millionaire..........

Have a great day!!!

Smiling after reading is not mandatory!!!

Sex and the City - my thought

Someone told me that when it comes to writing, you should write what you know. Well, this is what I think I know and I would like to share it. Like millions out there, I am a Sex and the City fan. Not only do I watch the series over and over again, I can now easily understand and predict any character's reaction to any situation. So as far as the story, shoes, men, sex and fashion goes, sure they do know the best. But when it comes to real relationships, I (like Carrie Bradshaw in all her columns), begin to wonder, are 'they' there yet? I know its all fiction and I know that its just a story, but for fans like me, don't we deserve a bit more? Sure, Samantha is one of her kind and Carrie is of course made to be different, but they are human characters right?

The reason I am being judgmental about their life decisions is that fact that ever since I have seen Sex and the City - the Movie, I have thought about this time and again. How come even at the age of 50, Samantha can't slow down? Its human to slow down after so many years no matter how you are. And for Carrie, isn't she the kind of confident character who is supposed to know what she wants in life? She has been taking perfect decisions about her career, but when it comes to marriage with Big, the audience can understand the 'feeling' she gets to marry him, but the type of wedding (base of the movie's story) is so not a match. Carrie would surely know what she wants. And buying the right dress would be a part she would not skip on. Moreover, the huge wedding drama - nope, she is in no way made for that. There is a sudden change of her character there - how can anyone digest that?

But yes, may be I consider these to be story flaws, but they have surely helped me move on from my Sex and the city addiction. I don't blindly consider everything in the show perfect anymore. Thank God, the movie has made me open my eyes to the 'right'.