FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one
wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it
appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding
Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll
say: "We're in love"; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when
they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though
this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a
good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will
come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love
alone"; You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about
finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20
or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do
with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to
share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2)you
can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a
marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!

Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this
person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling
safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having
good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished"; or
hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine
defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure
you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test?
Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular
basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine
defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do
the right ";. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with
their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is
not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are
dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking
comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal
comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking
down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability
to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom
they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers,
etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude
and appreciation?

If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything;
can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats
others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after
we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of
trying to "improve"; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts
it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse"
If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are
not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key
is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It
pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask
questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a
great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't
want to find yourself trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective...

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance..
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize
your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere
relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention...
Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate
you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth
around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in
the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and
after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a
commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance,
pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs.
Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or
that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare
and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You
can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love
you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you won't
find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or
responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong
reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment
withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

When family favours competition

There are only a few times when you blog becomes a platform for frustration excretion. The time is very auspicious and the moment is very special. In fact, its the most special event in my life yet. Its my brother's engagement. The moment is very emotional and very close to our hearts of course. So yes, its all good. May be not yet. Whenever there is such an occasion in your home, people who repel you would surround you somehow. And no matter how much you want to avoid them, there is just no way out.

I don't know how true it is, but there are people who give a negative vibe. There is something about them that makes you uncomfortable. A similar problem is why this new post exists. Let me start from the beginning. My mother is a very sweet and innocent lady. She tries to keep everyone happy and is pretty social as well. So here comes a turn, I may be a little stupid and idiotic, a little sweet too sometimes, but there are times when me and mom stand apart. Lets just say her innocence is responsible to make her a little gullible. She gets convinced kinda easily. So the story is that she has a friend whose daughter is into gift wrapping business, and from what I have heard, she is damn expensive (read it as not worth it). So anyways, since I am not bad in fancy gift wrapping I hardly care how good she is. Also worth a mention here is the fact that I get a negative vibe from her. She is just not as clear hearted. So today, while I sit here in the office figuring out how I can squeeze time off work, mom tells me that she is willing to offer the mean girl some business from our end. BAM! goes my brain. I get furious and totally loose it.
What the heck? I am good enough, why of all people do you have to go to her mom? I wanted to wrap everything myself, I have love inside me and everything I do for this occasion will be full of love. Problem: I am convinced that I am good enough but mom being convinced to go to her means that she isn't confident of my work.

Does anyone have a solution?

Scents of life [A page from my daily diary]

To note: The description below is a true-life experience, only it happened a year ago.

This would be understood well by people who have worked or even visited government offices in India. Although, I do not work in a government office, my company works on the exact same pattern. Men must know the difference between a woman wearing lipstick and a man wearing it. Red coloured lips with even bloodier teeth and the indescribable scent that they give every time they open their mouth is too much for ‘clean’ people like me to handle.

I sometimes feel offended even if they utter one word from their bloody mouth. But mostly, I thank God I am not a part of them. Their responsibility factor is too high and they ensure to reach office never before 9:40 only to leave as soon as it is 5:30. ‘What a life they have’, I say when I see them coming after me in the morning and leaving before I do.

The day passes by with the best of these scents and then comes a part when you need to put your stomachs to rest. Their female counterparts seem to be forgetful to flush; and I don’t understand why is it me who is left to dust.... It is now seven days, since I have been to my office rest room as I am afraid I might encounter the dirty filthy ghost.

I know I am good at my job but I can't help but wonder, is it me who is delicate or them just plain careless? I just hope some day I too can put my stomach to rest.

The office furniture has also earned a mention and I must tell you that in the last four months of my working here, I have changed 6 chairs and 3 computer tables. For those of you who think I may be too heavy or too muscular to handle furniture right, people be aware, I am just 105 pounds.

Scents of my work life don’t evaporate here; there is more to groan about. My boss is a young man who has studied abroad and dresses up fine. He talks really sweetly but is mean to personalities like mine. Work and making best of opportunities is something he is allergic to, instead what he prefers are meaningless strategies and meetings there is no end to. Analysing a writer’s capacity is too heavy for him, but still what can I do, as he is the only son of the Chairman.

As I get ready to smell the discomfort in work and the actual office stench, I am so happy in this night as there are a few hours for me to breathe and to stretch.